Round Two
Round Three
Round Four
Round Five
Final Round
Round One, Part One
MATCH #1: The militant, liberal Israeli girl wielding Demonslayer vs. the stubborn, conservative Nevada boy wielding Excalibur.
Okay, let's clear up the sword business first. First of all... Demonslayer sucks. It's useful against demons... in some of the games in which it appears. In Exile, it sucked due to being two-handed, and in Avernum it was just worse than other special weapons. (Let's not even mention Avernum 4, in which it does less damage than a stick. (Ironically, I think Infernal was actually the one who provided the empirical data on that comparison.)) And Excalibur, the person, isn't a demon.
Excalibur the sword, on the other hand, is never a bad weapon. Demonslayer was wielded by the not-so-impressive Karzoth, while Excalibur was wielded by King Arthur. Actually, forget King Arthur -- Excalibur was the sword wielded by the pre-eminently broken Cidolfas Orlandu. End of discussion right there.
That said, Infernal clearly has more experience fighting. And Infernal has Mossad on her side -- but, as also pointed out, Mossad isn't going to attack a conservative American.
Excalibur, however, apparently isn't conservative. Who knew? He also somehow mistook Infernal for Muffin, which is pretty much a fatal blunder, one that might lead to Infernal killing somebody outside of the tournament. Infernal wins -- no contest. Excalibur does, however, win intellectual honesty points for being the only participant to voice support for his opponent.
MATCH #2: The master of helium-based fighting vs. the master of clerical smiting.
As pointed out, the purple bandits are useless since Vlish would just Dominate them. Nioca has Quick Action, but Vlish has terrain-based initiative. Smite is not a particularly cheap spell, and Vlish don't have a slow recharge rate or high energy use rate at all; but neither one has infinite shots. Vlish don't have high HP, but neither do priests.
It's true that Mental Magic is unlikely to be effective against a priest. Slowing mist, on the other hand, should work just as effectively as Smite does. (And it is definitely slowing mist, as Delicious Vlish's conception predates the G4 vlish by years.) And the free ancillary slow effect gives DV the initiative... and then, the Feisty Slap of Pain settles things. If DV does get close to death, it was pointed out that he will go rogue, and as Dikiyoba has shown us, when DV goes rogue he's nearly unstoppable. Vlish wins.
That said, the flatulence issue might change things if Nioca cast, say, Flamestrike. But Nioca just casts Smite... so no dice.
MATCH #3: o_O ...
--------------------
The Silent Assassin wins very quickly, and he's not going to reveal how.
MATCH #4: The Queen of Clubs vs. the King of, um, Chickens.
Why, oh why, did nobody bother to look up what a Gisahl vegetable was? Gisahl vegetables (which may or may not be carrot tops; it's unclear) are not for throwing. They summon a (very) distant relative of chickens... Fat Chocobos. (Or at least ancient veggies do, and Thralni was part of the First Expedition, which makes him quite ancient.) Fat Chocobos, while they don't fly, have a rather vicious air-drop attack (which was in fact half the inspiration behind Bovine Thud), and Thralni can fly. Moreover, as a Nephil, he can likely dodge the clubs and the sexy -- as Exile tells us repeatedly, "Nephilim mate for life." Thralni wins.
MATCH #5: The undead vs. the undying.
First of all... let's clear up the definition of undead. Undead does not mean "not dead." It's just not what it means, and there are decades of fantasy games and stories that will back this up. But let's turn to the truly authoritative source... I speak, of course, of the Encyclopedia Ermariana entry on Undead (coincidentally written mostly by me): "The undead are creatures who have died, but are subsequently re-animated by dark forces in a liminal state."
Clearly, Lazarus is never undead.
Now, Jewels brought up a very good point of order: if Lazarus dies (and presumably, he will at least once) does the match end there? I would say no, regardless of Nalyd's perseverating; there are analogues in boxing (the 10-count) and in RPGs (Auto-Life status activating even when all party members are dead).
Lazarus, however, is not immortal. He is killed with a measure of finality in Dikiyoba's scripts -- by, as it so happens, a mob of skeletons. He just has to be killed and crushed and dismembered repeatedly. Nalyd is persistent enough to do that.
There remains, however, the matter of Lazarus's own offence: putting Nalyd into an impossible scenario. Nalyd's BoA acumen is clearly less than stated, given that it is impossible to surpass level 100, even if you cheat!
...Lazarus wins, and becomes the first person to kill an undead creature with extreme frost.
MATCH #6: The artist vs. the artifact.
Spray Acid is pretty slow to take effect, and the two turtles, against which Randomizer has no real defense, cannot be ignored. If ADoS sustains any acid damage, he can use Paint to touch it up. ADoS wins, though he receives a warning from the Judge for his behavior in the audience.
MATCH #7: The poison-using romantic vs. the mild-mannered dainslaifer.
Dainslaifs don't actually require that their creator die before they activate.
Dainslaifs beat mechanical pencils.
...Nemesis wins.
MATCH #8: The Queen Mum vs. the little boy.
I'm not sure Stew Boy has been around long enough to be completely out of danger from the turtles, but he has certainly learned how to dodge away from them. However, Student of Trinity has, as usual, fulfilled his own elegance function, and produced an unsimplifiable, uncontradictable solution: Saunders never gets upset. Saunders wins.
JUDGE'S OPINION
Round One, Part Two
MATCH #1: Kama vs. Mama.
This is a very tight match... in more ways than one. WKS has no element on the periodic table, so it won't be much use against him. Likewise, Jewels has demonstrated immunity to carnal-based attacks (if anything, the sutras would be likely to heal her). WKS has BoE scenarios, but Jewels has walkthroughs for them, so that's moot. And although Chuck Norris himself is unlikely to bother thinking about helping WKS, he probably has magical sweat that scalds the eyes of his enemies, or something equally ridiculous; so the Baath party is not a factor.
So that leaves us with Jewels, the mother, and WKS, the boy.
You know how the screen turns red when Kefka kills Leo? That's how this one would end, too. Jewels wins with an unshown maneuver that turns the screen red.
MATCH #2: The rat designer vs. the intelligent designer.
Rats aplenty could probably swarm Ash's scenarios, but they'd be unlikely to find their way through SubTerra levels. Wall Ogres, being the unscripted fakes that they are, are presumably immune to the charms of music, and there are too many of them to take down just with a chainsaw. But, being unscripted, they're also unlikely to be able to find the real Ash Lael when they find o element on the periodic table, so it won't be much use against him. themselves in a level full of mitosis victims with Nathan Ashby in their name.
Smoo, unfortunately, is neither immune to chainsaws nor easily doubled; so Ash Lael wins in a triumphant massacre.
MATCH #3: Out of control RP player vs. out of control RP player.
As already noted, the ice spells and Aura of Flames are likely to cancel out. Other minor abilities, such as the golden gun and pizza shield, are all essentially null in the face of the unpredictable storytelling used by both parties.
Zephyr is likely to summon a demon and it is, indeed, likely to turn on him. But Goldenking's double addiction to skribbane and to canisters make him quite likely to attack the demon and incur its wrath, anyway.
Goldenking, however, has one ability that rises above the chaotic frey; that is his professed worship of the deity of the GIFTS. The GIFTS have shown a repugnant tenacity and the ability to endure even the nonsenical changes to reality incurred in Avernum 4. The favor of the Great Spider God/dess tilts this hallucinatory battle in Goldenking's favor.
MATCH #4: Cute (or not) vs. sexy (or not).
Can you say "heterocentric?" We don't know anything about Nico's sexuality, and as for Marlenny, let's not forget her passionate affair with Dareva. So you can't just shrug off the cuteness and sexiness factors because they're girls.
That said, I don't think Nico wants to be dominated, and Marlenny has shown a clear preference for older, rather than younger, partners. So let's move past the romantic gunk.
Nico has three writing utensils whereas Marlenny only has two kinds of memes in her arsenal to block with, so I hand this match to Nico on grounds of numbers... and stabbing ability.
MATCH #5:< i> Molten bread vs. molten rock.
Believe it or not, I read IFM's moniker as "Internal" every time I saw it until Aran's post pointed the true word out to me. Why, I can't say.
Magma Dragoon, meanwhile, is not actually a dragoon; the original Magma Dragoon does possess ranged attacks, but every last one of his attacks is fire-based. So this match isn't getting very far on physical attacks alone.
Demon muffins are definitely not edible. Are you kidding? They're demons! And Magma, being a Guardian, is vulnerable to being swarmed. (He also doesn't have any armor that I've heard of.) Magma's broken Parry skill should keep him safe for a while, but without good magic, he won't be able to defeat the demon muffins too quickly. So yes, Muffin himself has plenty of time to transform. I, for one, do not doubt Muffin's ability to come up with something ridiculous and overpowered to transform into; and the fact that it makes him crazy will make little difference.
Magma's card, however, features one of the more grievous omissions. His mother! There's no way that a harsh homemaker like Mrs. Dragoon is going to be stymied by a muffin, even a burning muffin. Magma Dragoon wins.
MATCH #6: Magic vs. mystery.
I don't know what Zephyr Tempest was smoking, but not even his made-up creatures are immune to NUKE. Nothing is immune to NUKE. Nothing resists NUKE. Nothing stops NUKE. Even Chaos himself cannot avoid taking, at minimum, 100DMG.
The disadvantage, of course, is that even with a lucky 400DMG, NUKE is easily outperformed by high level melee fighters.
Mysterious Man, however, seems to have put all his skill points into lovin', rather than fighting. So... he gets blown up. Repeatedly. Zeviz wins.
MATCH #7: The professor vs. the third dimension.
This is definitely a tough one. Occam's Razor can cut down many of Niemand's powers, and SoT can oversimplify Niemand's scripted functions to the point of uselessness. But even if the Jade Halberd becomes a two-dimensional line, SoT still has to deal with its ancillary acid damage. At the same time, Niemand is going to have a hard time dodging rocks with only two axes to move on. I don't think trinities will avail SoT much either. In the end, this sophisticated fight comes down to a surprisingly blank mano a mano deathmatch, on which I hand the odds to Student of Trinity for the boon his physics knowledge gives him in throwing rocks elegantly and accurately.
MATCH #8: The invisible poster vs. the lurker.
Whatever powers the Lurker has, he doesn't seem to have the ability to see invisible people. Riibu, on the other hand, can map out every last nook and cranny of the arena until there is nowhere left for the Lurker to lurk. Sooner or later, Riibu will find him and take him down.
Round Two, Part One
MATCH #1: The resurrectee vs. the resurrector.
This was already a one sided fight to begin with but it seems that poor Lazarus's main power has been weakened significantly by Episode 4. One has to wonder if he really would have beaten Nylad if he could only come back once/day then. I would be tempted to have Ephesos battle both in order to win but luckily Deathmatch has no save and restore, and Nylad is already dead. So with scenario scripting ability matched and no other offense other then his fists, Lazarus falls easily (twice) to Ephesos and RETRIBUTION!
MATCH #2: The militant, liberal Israeli girl wielding Demonslayer vs. the militant, liberal Nevada boy with the Scimitar.
Insult to insulting inuendo may hurt some feelings, leave emotional scarring, and/or lead to eventual incarceration by way of mid-life crisis breakdown, but let's face it. Words aren't going to kill anybody by themselves no matter how much conviction is behind them. They may win you a round of insult-beer-pong but that's about it. Sword to sword, even with the value of Demonslayer increased by A4, the 2-handed weapon is not going to overpower Alec's 1-handed scimtar since he's a.) not a demon b.) got a lot more experience and c.) has a free hand to wield distracting/eye-burning photos. Alec also gets added experience in melee from Ali. By himself, Alec has the stamina and guile to outwit, outplay, and outlast Infernal, and if worse comes to worse his engagingness lends him backup that's not gonna just sit by and watch him go under. Alec is the victor.
MATCH #3: Cute (or not)ness vs. craft.
Diki summed this one up very nicely... 'Nicothodes has Sherbiebaby. Dikiyoba has a cult. Nicothodes has mechanical pencils. Dikiyoba has Episodes 1-3. Nicothodes can make music. Dikiyoba can make invulnerability elixers.' Nicothodes may have added vimpires to the end of her fingers but Diki added Episode 4! On grounds of numbers there is no question who would win (which is what Nico won with on her last match) but we have missed a most important fact in fictional fighting. Music soothes the savage beast, and dinosaur Dikioba is as close to a savage beast as one can get. Dikiyoba the Great is lulled to her death by Nicothodes on her cello. Sweet dreams.
MATCH #4: This one goes way back.
After doing a little homework I think I can shed some light on this match. While Thralni can set his poultry in motion, any deadly vegetables are easily caught by Thuryl's pun net. Our pundit can easily make a great egg-scape turning a purrfect plan into a catastrophe and cause Thralni to give paws. A small repreive is all our pun gent would need to rally a force to come to his aid to try to inflict punitive damages. Unfortunately for Thuryl, no pun in ten did. Further research has reduced Sailor Moon to be no more then a puny bunny (Her Japanese name translating into Rabbit of the Moon) so our beloved sex icon gives way to our new Chic King, Thralni. And really, I am sorry y'all had to listen to my pun crock.
MATCH #5: Phobia vs. Valeta.
What happens in a fight when one character starts monologing? Over and over again in fictitious battle we see that the oratory, no matter how painful, allows the opponent needed time to escape even on the edge of defeat and come out victorious. Synergy has stepped back from the length he started with but I believe he has to fight himself to do so. A house divided is a house that falls so either way Delicious Vlish makes it through to the next round.
MATCH #6: ...no comment.
We all know that there's one thing that Tyran is really good at. Dying. We know it, Magma knows it, and of course Tyranicus knows it, too. He may be clumsy, but he's not dumb. All he has to do is trick Magma into thinking he's already dead. (Shouldn't be that hard, really.) Then attack while his opponent has his back turned celebrating a premature victory. Tyranicus finally defeats a foe... before tripping on one of his own javelins and impaling himself. But not before he wins.
MATCH #7: The invisible vs. the unquestionable.
Alex will have won two days before the day after yesterday because Riibu's chaos attack cannot affect that which will already be chaotic the day after two weeks before last Thursday.
MATCH #8: Unshakable oldbie vs. unshakable oldbie.
Let's take this logically bit by bit. We have Engenering vs. Geology. The ability to masterfully design and create something and an in-depth knowledge of what the world is made up of. Obviously being able to make a weapon or shielding device would be of better use in a death match then knowing how volcanoes erupt. At least without the ability to make said volcano magically appear underneath your opponent. Moving on to items, Saunders has a sword, Schrodinger has cheat sheets. With no scenario to go through, those scraps of paper aren't going to be much defense against a sword, let alone offense. Skillfully Schrodinger may be able to install a puppet administrator and, in doing so, rally some allies to counter the fluffy turtles and canalista warriors, but he would still have to contend with Saunders' motherly love. As a mother, I can honestly say that love sometimes hurts especially that tough love we so often have to dole out. Saunders comes out ahead with plain ole' better guns.
Round Two, Part Two
MATCH #1: -------------------- Alorael, vs. the Silent Assassin. --------------------
The Silent Assassin wins very quickly, and he's not going to reveal how.
What? What do you mean I can't do that? Plagiarism? You don't say... Ok, fine.
Let's take stock then. Alo has three items, TSA has one. Alo has three skills, TSA has one. Alo has RW, and TSA killed the only ally he had in round one. Let's face it, if The Silent Assassin can't win very quickly without revealing how, he doesn't stand a chance. Even if he could make it close enough to use his dagger, Alo can change his name and his voice (with Helium). He could pretend to be anyone. And since no one has ever seen that elusive picture of Alorael
MATCH #2: The big nose vs. the bacon strip. FIGHT!
Aran starts out at a real disadvantage. He is a strip of bacon after all and ADoS can track him wherever he tries to hide with his nose. With all his surveillance, Aran may know when ADoS is coming but he's not going to be able to hide from him forever. Will ADoS be able to traverse the EE Network and it's daemons in one piece? Of course he can. Aran made it user friendly much to his chagrin. Deity vs. Deity... at the most they'll keep each other busy and out of the match. Fluffy ally vs. fluffy ally would be a very cute fight but it's impact on the match wouldn't be more then stuffing. Face to face then Aran's magic flute works better on ears then noses so he's left with a pose. Unfortunately for ADoS the artist he can't resist a good pose. While ADoS is sketching Arancaytar can use his statistics to calculate the precise location and amount of bacon needed to bury and suffocate a giant nose. BACON DROP!
MATCH #3: The RP player who gives himself infinite power vs. the person to whom everyone else ascribes infinite power for no apparent reason. FIGHT!
Drakey sits quite loftily on his throne of infinite power, but methinks he's gotten lazy. Yet Arcane Blow and Divine Warrior are nothing to sneeze at. Knowledge of the creation of Vahnatai and probably knowledge of how to summon them are also on his side. On the other hand Goldenking has been fraternizing with Alo and has picked up more tricks than just skribbane. One scope later, the golden gun is ready for snipping and Drakey is a sitting duck. He doesn't even have time to wonder whether or not he is allowed to use his ban button in the match.
MATCH #4: Good Christian vs. Evil Overlord. FIGHT!
Poor Dintiradan. None of his evil plans ever work. He is always foiled at the last minute, ALWAYS! The Deth Ray breaks down, the summoning machine backfires, and every Dintiradan clone wants to be the sole evil overlord. What hope does he have of winning this match? Only the hope a judge's discretion may give. Slarty has graciously given me my hand in this round. You see, for this match, Ash is a good Christian. And that can only mean that he has repented of his murderous chain saw massacre days and humbly refuses to lift a hand against Dintiradan. Such is the love of Christ. [Wink]
MATCH #5: This one also goes way back. FIGHT!
Tully has managed to get himself disqualified from the tournament. A pity really, I was looking forward to the battle. While I can't speak for Tully, I know I've learned a lesson. He who whines about the boards and runs away, lives to whine about the mods another day. Nemesis moves on.
MATCH #6: NUKE vs. BOOT. FIGHT!
Lets start by whittling down what won't work. Both the scrying pool and the antimatter machine take way too much time and concentration. Neither Zeviz or Stareye would want to make themselves vulnerable by trying to use them. As far as firepower is concerned, Stareye seems outmatched. I mean what can overcome NUKE or all the allies of E VOL? A boot or glowering stare? Puhleeze, they are hardly deadly. Scripting can be deadly but it takes time to write. Needing to be quicker then a NUKE spell, Stareye's only real playing card is bribery. An ex-admin could be power hungry enough to be distracted by an offer of reinstation. Then once Zeviz sits on Stareye's comfy throne in consideration it's only a broken horsehair away from a 'splitting head' ache for Zeviz and a victory for Stareye.
MATCH #7: Intellectual elegance vs. fishy manliness. FIGHT!
Using SoT's Occam's razor, we throw out everything that is not inherently deadly... Student of Trinity is left with rocks, Salmon gets one of these from his forestry. *ping, ping, plink* SoT gets squashed.
MATCH #8: The mere existence of this match threatens the CoC. FIGHT!
Jewels' ability to turn the other cheek will protect her from TM's most provocative attacks, including the insults, tentacle crepe, and DIE!. Her walkthroughs will enable her to navigate his traps and defeat the philosophizing evil bosses. The Baath Party will more than likely persecute an American tentacle creature dressed as Jesus on the cross. Too bad about those rakshasi... but the Baath Party is multitudinous and will occupy the tigers for some time. As Jewels enjoys being tickled by TM's tentacles, and even any weather of questionable hue he might conjure, he would need to resort to his last offense: invoking the King of Kings, he can latch onto Jewels, creating a new katamari. Then TM can roll around madly, trying to find something to smash Jewels into. Unfortunately for TM, his bondage with Jewels only strengthens her maternal abilities; and nothing will drive TM crazy so easily as constant nagging. So really, it's a question of whether he is likely able to kill Jewels katamari-style before being driven nuts and crashing his side of the katamari into something instead. Unfortunately for TM, the time Jewels spent as a Family Circus character has given her some insight into erratic movement on a plane around many obstacles, which gives her an advantage at trying to dodge obstacles. The nail in the coffin, though, is the significant chance that TM's tactics will lead him directly into a deadly obstacle himself, due to the illusion of a rakshasi: either because the megalomanaical creatures turn on him, or simply because he rolls into one intended for the Baath. The winner: Jewels, by a hair's breadth.
Round 3
Match #1: The member renowned for his ability to make enemies vs. Nemesis.
Alec isn't going to be able to get the mild mannered Nemesis riled up and with his independent thinking, Nemesis can avoid the photo threads since he knows what's good for him. Alec may have a Scimitar but only one. Nemesis has many Dainslaifs. Alec gets sliced and diced.
Match #2: Mum vs. Mom.
Many have pointed out that these two are pretty evenly matched and for close to a year, the two have been sitting next to each other in rocking chairs exchanging recipes and motherly advice. One thing has been noted though. While Saunders sits idly by enjoying her tea, Jewels has grown restless waiting for Slarty to say something... anything in regards to their match. But nothing comes. Her badgering has been ignored, her pleading has been overlooked, and her patience has come to a grinding halt. Screaming out in frustration Jewels falls to her knees and crawls over to Saunders begging her to just end it already. While Saunders never gets upset, she still takes pity on Jewels. With compassion and a Blade of Fluffy Cuteness, Saunders puts Jewels out of her misery.
Match #3: Definitely not cute vs. cute as a button.
Aran's penchant for fluffy kittens reveals a fatal weakness to the already fatal cuteness of Nico. Aran would be completely charmed by Nicothodes and beholden to her. It would be a quick matter for her to stab him with her twin-wielded mechanical pencils and to pick him up -- as if with a fork -- and finish him off. Mmm... bacony.
Match #4: Carrots vs. rats.
Dintiradan has the advantage here. He can overcome with sheer numbers by utilizing the cloning and summoning machines and calling upon the Legion of Terror. His army is virtually limitless. Is there a way that Thralni could possibly defeat them all before becoming too tired to evade their attacks? Maybe, but it's really unlikely. Dintiradan wins by sending all the pawns out to get pwned while Thralni is still able to fight and saving the deathblow for when he's finally exhausted.
Match #5: Inhuman, monkly powerhouse vs. Chuck Norris stand-in.
Kilts, terror, and daze are pretty much useless here. There is no protection from Chuck Norris' stand-in. There is a reason why Vlish don't exist on Earth. It's populated by only a list of creatures Chuck Norris' stand-in has allowed to live. Delicious Vlish are not on that list because Chuck Norris' stand-in decided they were too tasty for anyone else to eat. Alorael wins, vaporizing Delicious Vlish just by saying the name of Chuck Norris.
Match #6: Shadow Vale admin vs. Spiderweb UBB admin .
Tyranicus is most likely nervous by now. He has miraculously escaped a couple of battles and surely his skill of dying will catch up with him sooner or later. It's almost as if the Sword of Damocles has been hanging over his head. It's not hanging over his head any more, though. Stareye put it away after beheading Tyranicus with it. Shadow Vale mourns the loss of their leader as Stareye feeds his head into some cthulhic aperture of UBB.
Match #7: The rational and realistic RP player vs. the megalomanaical RP player.
Goldenking, just getting off another megalomania high from his victory over Drakey, is feeling pretty invincible. Ephesos, always a down to earth kind of guy, is feeling pretty grounded. Both have enhancers which both will inevitably use, but while Aura of Flames and the golden gun are formidable weapons in the hands of a skribbaned and canistered Goldenking, Divine Retribution can do more harm faster when the caster has just had an invincibility potion. Ephesos doesn't even need his lucky boots on when Goldenking comes out guns blazing. Even though Goldenking goes out in a blaze of glory he still goes out.
Match #8: Stick figures vs. hooks and lines.
Salmon has one fishing pole, Alex has as many fishing poles as he can draw. Salmon has one screw, and one thumper, but when he's done, he still has a battle to fight. Even if Salmon still had his forestry machinery, Alex would always have bigger equipment provided he didn't run out of pixels. Pixels do take a long time to collect unless you are wealthy enough to buy them from the mall. Alex, of course, is plenty wealthy since all those fishing poles he drew can catch lots of fish and all those slaves laborers stick figures can make quick work of turning them into meat. Yet, Salmon's meat volume is nothing to sneeze at. He has meat, lots and lots of meat in the form of spam. It's not the best tasting meat, but hey, it works. The question is, what to buy? Salmon may hope to use his sex appeal against Alex to inflict sleaze damage so he winds up heading to The Valley Beyond The Orc Chasm to be trained by a XXX prOn. After grabbing a trenchcoat and a f3d0r4 from his closet and buying some prOn legs he's ready to battle. Salmon pr0ds Alex with the spiny pr0n legs. Alex shudders. Salmon smacks Alex with his 1337 f3d0r4. Alex feels p4!n. Salmon smacks Alex with his 1337 skills. But it's not the 1337, it's the tumidity. Going in for a final blow, Salmon opens his trenchcoat wide, but Alex mocks his squishy fishy bits. Salmon collapses in a corner and starts crying. A stick army with pixleated daggers make several unwanted insertions but step aside when Alex approaches. Alex takes Salmon's last breath away with his Dripping Meat Sword inside him and the Naughty Sorceress thanks Alex by sharing a Corpse on the Beach.
| 5.1. Alorael vs. Nicothodes Alorael has ranged attacks. Nicothodes does not. Alorael is a cold, calculating min-maxing Angband player who is not going to fall prey to Nicothodes' fatal cutness the way NetHack players fall prey to the charms of nymphs. Alorael's skribbane diet renders him pretty uninterested in Nicothodes' cookies. His name-changing will make it quite hard for Nicothodes to use her conlangs against him, too. Bang, and the world just got uglier. Alorael wins. 5.2. Ephesos vs. Stareye So, let's look at the big picture here and take everything into consideration. For their elements Stareye has Radon and Ephesos has Copper. Radon is a big health hazard which has been proven to cause cancer. Unfortunately for Stareye, causing Ephesos to die many years from now is not going to help him. Copper by itself doesn't pose a health hazard, but after a few minutes in the fires of Divine Retribution it could be made into any number of nice weapons. Unfortunately for Ephesos, there's no time for that. Likewise, their actor counterparts aren't going to give either much of an advantage. Sure Daniel Craig could bring the gadgets and agility of James Bond with him, but LeVar has experience making fancy gadgets as Geordi in Star Trek. He probably knows more than enough to keep Daniel at bay if not stumped. Glower power and alchemy are easy to cross off, once again. The question is whether glower power also somehow blocks the rest of Ephesos's "flower power" aka his druid powers and environmentalism. Not likely, considering that flowers are only a small part of the natural world. The Sword of Damocles will not help in this match since Ephesos' clover boots give him enough luck to avoid ending up under it. The antimatter machine is more of a defensive machine than anything else and in this match there is nothing for it to defend against except maybe crickets. But I think it's unlikely our fighters would bring either of these into play. Both have scripting abilities with Stareye's scripting hallmark as special spells, while Ephesos's design hallmark is terrain and the environment. This gives Stareye more offensive capabilities and Ephesos traps and perhaps distraction techniques. Ephesos also has his priestly spells to counter Stareye's scripts but both of them will be using their energy pretty quickly at this point. If Stareye can just outlast Ephesos, he still has his boot to smash his skull in with... but does he have enough of an edge to outlast him? These fighters are very evenly matched. Jewels and I deliberated over the final outcome of this match for almost a year -- sadly, this is a true fact. But it's time to break the stalemate. DEATHMATCH IS BREAKING OUT ALL YOUR RULE ARE BELONG TO US GOODBYE ANALYSIS THEORETIC, HELLO NURSE Ephesos and Stareye continued to grind away at each other with slings and arrows for quite some time. Jewels turned to Slarty and exhorted him to act, but he refused, and the two began to argue as well. While they were all distracted, a pale, astral figure crept into the arena and began to gesticulate. Suddenly, a tremendous and blinding explosion of shadows engulfed the fighting area. When the shadows cleared, Ephesos and Stareye both lay unconscious on the ground. The astral figure stood between them, his hands raised in victory, one of them grasping a slith spear. "I am Emperor Tullegolar," he proclaimed, "and I claim victory in this Deathmatch!" "How did he do that?" asked Jewels. "An alien damage type, my dear," shouted up ET, "shadow damage. Your precious officers are defenseless against it!" "Imban!" screeched Slarty. "Become him and remove him." But Imban shook his head. "I can't, Slarty. He's not using an account. That's just an astral proxy." "Fine. Icshi will change what happened retroactively. Icshi--" But when Slarty turned to Icshi, he saw that Icshi, too, had collapsed on the floor. He had turned an awful shade of yellow, and his hair was falling out in clumps. "I'm dying," Icshi said. He turned to look at the arena, and with his dying breath, choked out a warning. "Retrio... activity... is in... the... air... for... U... B... B..." Then he vanished. Slarty sighed. "I guess I'll have to take care of this myself!" He stood up and began to walk down to the arena floor, but was stopped suddenly when Alorael stepped out from one of the rows and pushed the butt of his rifle into Slarty's chest. "This is my battle, not yours, Slarty. You need to stop breaking the rules." "You wouldn't shoot me, Alorael. Besides -- Sticks to Steaks!" And before Alorael could react, his rifle turned into an especially tasty-looking steak, which fell to the floor. "Moove Slowly," he continued, then pushed Alorael out of the way and continued on down to the arena floor. "I knew you would come, Slarty! You've been trying to destroy me for years." Emperor Tullegolar cackled. "But now it's my turn. You can't touch my astral form." "Blah, blah, blah. We've heard it all before. Well, here's something you haven't heard before. Emperor Tullegolar's astral proxy -- meet Slartucker's astral oxy! Hamsubstantiate Self!" There was another great flash of shadow, and Slarty's form began to transform. He began to fade and stretch out in multiple dimensions, and his outline glimmered and shifted, and he began to resemble a man less and less. When his shape stopped shifting, he had become the outline of quite a hideous creature -- a giant with fifty heads and a hundred arms, each of which bore a sock puppet of the Nine-Headed Cave Cow. A hecatombchire! "It's like a patronus!" Jewels exclaimed helpfully. "Except, um, not really." Slarty's fifty heads roared, Emperor Tullegolar uttered a war cry, and the two astral forms charged at each other. Each of the heads on each of Slarty's hands moved in to facepalm Tullegolar, nine-hundred facepalms in all; but Tullegolar began to shape, and swiftly, one after another, a massive herd of ornks charged into Slarty. The sock puppets and ornks met in a confusion of cattle, and a minute later they were joined by Slarty's own Simuleacrums. Tullegolar thrust his slith spear into Slarty, again and again, while Udder Destruction rained down on him. Tullegolar planted his flag in Slarty and Slarty dropped his desk on Tullegolar. Political cartoons and pages from Encyclopedia Ermariana flew back and forth in the melee. At one point both of them stopped fighting and began drawing complicated charts that would lead in some esoteric way to victory. At last Slarty opened his fifty mouths and bellowed, "BOVINE THUD!" For a moment nothing happened, and Tullegolar used the time to slice through Slarty's form several times with his spear. Then there was a great rumbling, and it seemed as if the stars themselves began to shake. A shadow loomed over the arena, growing larger and larger by the second, until the spectators could see, above them, a cow far larger than they had ever imagined possible. The cow was, in fact, larger than the arena, and it plummeted towards the ground face-first. The spectators only had a few seconds to scream before everybody present was facepalmed into the ground. There were no survivors. The very last to perish was Jewels. She managed to free her head from under a fold of fat and survey the wreckage as she died. It was a pity that nobody was around to hear her faint last words: "Deathmatch has no save and restore." |
| /tldr Everybody dies. Nobody wins. "Deathmatch has no save and restore." |