ECHOES: INSULT is a parody of Terror's Martyr's scenario Echoes: Assault, written by The Creator. I apologise deeply to TM, as well as Terry Prathett and The Lads.

AT FORT EARTHFORD

TOBIT - "Illithids are coming! General Boston, get here!"

BOSTON - "Where's here?"

TOBIT - "The gate, sir!"

BOSTON - "Where's the gate?"

TOBIT - "Sir, you've commanded this fort for a week!"

BOSTON - "So I've been told. Ah, here we go. Now, how many men do I have under my command?"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "Eleven, sir."

BOSTON - "ELEVEN?? I thought I was a General!"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "You are, sir. And I'm a Lieutenant, Tobit and Suzanne are Captains, Jack and Thomas are Dervishes, Johnathan, Joseph and Marilyn are Commanders, Robert is a Corporal, Clarence and Link are Sergeants, and Graham and Bill are AWOL."

BOSTON - "You mean I have no Privates?"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "None of us do, sir. If we did we would gladly offer them to you."

*You fight Illthids for a bit*

BOSTON - "They have cannons?"

CLARENCE - "Well, I have a gun."

BOSTON - "So why are the rest of us fighting with swords?"

CLARENCE - "They're difficult to operate. Most people around here aren't smart enough to understand the whole trigger-pulling thing."

BOSTON - "Whatever. All this thinking makes me tired. I'm going to bed."

*You go to sleep*

JACK - "Look, the boss is sleepwalking. Should we wake him?"

MARILYN - "No, It's not good to do that. Their legs fall off or something."

JACK - "Look at his face! It must be an awful dream."

MARILYN - "Maybe he dreamed that I died."

JACK - "Oh, come on. That wouldn't be so terrible."

MARILYN - "You haven't seen my death message."

*You wake up*

BOSTON - "Huh? I was dreaming! But it was such a realistic dream. I could have sworn that we were being attacked by Ilithids..."

TOBIT - "Sir! We're being attacked by Illitheds!"

BOSTON - "Oh, no. Please don't let that bit about Marilyn come true too."

*You fight for a bit*

JOSEPH - "Hey, it's getting kinda hot. How about we retreat?"

BOSTON - "Not yet."

*You fight for a bit*

SUZANNE - "Stuff this noise. Do what the man said, retreat!"

BOSTON - "Stay your place, soldier!"

*You fight for a bit. A mass of Ithilids teleports behind you, blocking off your escape*

BOSTON - "Okay, NOW we retreat."

AT GREENDALE

PETEY - "Hello, sir. I am Petey, the one who fellates the Giver."

(Author's note: That line is lifted directly from the scenario.)

BOSTON - "Do you always greet commanding officers this way?"

PETEY - "It's how I greet everyone. That's why I'm the only survivor here. Everyone else decided to take their chances with the squid-faced things. Can I come along with you?"

BOSTON - "Why not?"

MARILYN - "But sir! He might do something unspeakable!"

PETEY - "Nothing's unspeakable if your mouth's filthy enough."

MARILYN - "Really sir, I think I'd rather risk death than have this guy following me!"

BOSTON - "You wouldn't say that if you knew what awaited you on the other side."

*you fight for a bit*

*You get trapped between the gates and two speeding dragons! You don't have time to jump out of the way!*

*You cast a long, complex ritual to smash the gates*

JACK - "Brilliant, sir! I would never have thought of that!"

BOSTON - "Now, everyone be quiet! That place is swarming with Ihilltids, and a dozen soldiers might look a tad suspicious."

TOBIT - "So we dash behind that building as quickly as we can?"

ROBERT - "That's right, spend as little time exposed as possible."

BOSTON - "No, we go very slowly. We're safe as long as they think we're ornamental statues. Also, we can't take a direct route to safety."

ROBERT - "Why not?"

BOSTON - "Because if we do, we'll die instantly."

PETEY - "Hot flaming goatse."

BOSTON - "I don't know why, just do it."

*You sneak behind the building*

SUZANNE - "There's Ilithds through these doors! We have nowhere to go!"

BOSTON - "Don't fret. There's bound to be a pointless secret passage into a forge around the place."

*You find one*

JOHNATHAN - "An Illithillithidid!"

THOMAS - "Actually, that's an Ularithillidillid."

PETEY - "Hot flaming goatse."

*The thingy runs in terror. You pursue it with vigour, Petey in particular*

PETEY - "Oh wow, one of those white ones!"

BOSTON - "It's going to kill us all!"

THOMAS - "Come on, we can take him! There's only one of him and twelve of us!"

BOSTON - "No time! Quick, all twelve of us dive down this garbage chute!"

*You come face to face with a big, horrible, slimy monster*

LINK - "Oh, that's just like TM. He has to give himself a cameo somewhere in each scenario."

*you fight for a bit*

CLARENCE - "Now what?"

BOSTON - "Hang on. There's bound to be a portal into a prison cell through a secret passage in this trash pit."

CLARENCE - "Oh, come on..."

BOSTON - "See? Here it is."

JOSEPH - "Pardon me, but how is a prison cell an improvement on a trash pit?"

BOSTON - "We can at least get away from the smell."

PETEY - "Sorry."

JOSEPH - "Good point. Let's go."

IN JAIL

JOHNATHAN - "You know, someone really should have thought about what it would be like trying to squeeze 13 guys into one tiny cell."

PETEY - "I like it."

JACK - "Now everyone shut up! I can unlock the door, but it'll take a while."

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "How long?"

JACK - "5 hours."

ROBERT - "FIVE HOURS??"

BOSTON - "Nothing we can do but wait, I suppose."

*Long pause*

MARILYN - "Petey, stop it!"

PETEY - "What was I doing?"

MARILYN - "Breathing."

*Long pause*

SUZANNE - "Aw, man! Who farted? Own up!"

*Dead silence for 4 and a half hours*

CLARENCE - "Hey Jack, how's it going?"

JACK - "Damn, you broke my concentration! Now I'm going to have to start all over again!"

*Clarence is torn into eleven pieces*

*18 hours and 3 soldiers later, Jack unlocks the door*

BOSTON - "Finally!"

PETEY - "About time, I'm getting hungry."

BOSTON - "Again?"

PETEY - "Link wasn't very filling."

JACK - "Now, we've got to get out. We creep around the fortress really quietly and stealthily, and then blow a huge-ass hole in the wall."

BOSTON - "Stealthily?"

JACK - "Absolutely."

*You proceed to creep*

PETEY - "Well, WEVBNFOKD!"

(Author's note: This is also a direct lift from the scenario)

MARILYN - "You wish."

PETEY - "I just know there's an ambush waiting for us through those doors!"

BOSTON - "That's rediculous. If they knew we were here, they could have killed us easily while we were in that cell."

*You go through the doors. There's an ambush*

BOSTON - "Crap!"

MARILYN - "Drat!"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "Damn!"

JACK - "Oh, bother."

THOMAS - "Shit!"

JOSEPH - "I wish we hadn't eaten Tobit."

SUZANNE - "Dang!"

ROBERT - "Hell!"

PETEY - "Hot flaming goatse!"

IN THE BODY PIT

BOSTON - "Huh? What happened? I've been unconscious!"

*You look around franticly, but find none of your allies*

BOSTON - "Thank goodness. I was worried Petey might have been around."

GENERIC GENERAL GHOST - "Hi, Boston. I'm a demolitions expert."

BOSTON - "Really? Can you smash that wall there?"

GENERIC GENERAL GHOST - "Sure thing. I'm also really good at breaking the fourth wall. Good luck with the rest of the scenario."

PASSIVE ILLITHID - "Not so fast, Boston! I'm here to stop you, and I have your companions under my control."

BOSTON - "I wish we'd eaten Harold."

PASSIVE ILLITHID - "They obey my every whim! Watch this!"

*They start to sing and dance*

SUZANNE - "If you're looking at your boyfriend,
Thinking he's so yummy..."

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "If you're looking at your girlfriend,
Thinking she's good enough to eat..."

MARILYN - "Well, think on this, don't think too long,
Just think on this..."

ALL - "Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
You must fight it!
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
Don't deny it!
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
You have to be strong."

JACK - "If you're starving in an airplane,
Because you're in economy..."

THOMAS - "And if you crashed down in the ocean,
And you're allergic to seafood..."

ROBERT - "By eating me you could stay strong,
And I could learn to hop along,
Except for this..."

ALL - "Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
Come on people, can't you see,
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
Don't be tempted, to eat them,
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
You have to be strong."

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "We all know someone who has had a bite."

SUZANNE - "Taking pieces out of someone else's thigh."

ROBERT - "It happens every day, doesn't make it right."

JACK - "They want their lives to be prolonged."

MARILYN - "And not be cut short by your tongue."

THOMAS - "So listen up..."

ALL - "Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
Don't eat your best friend's eye, you know why!
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
Even if they deserve it!
Cannibalism's wro-o-ong!
You can't eat them 'cause it's wrong."

PETEY - "If you do,
Don't eat the skin,
It's fattening."

*They finish*

THOMAS - "By the way, where's Joseph got to?"

PETEY - "Sorry."

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "PETEY!"

PETEY - "It was such a long song!"

SUZANNE - "Whatever. Let's kill Boston."

BOSTON - "No need. I killed the Illithid guy while you were singing."

MARILYN - "Huh? I didn't hear any fighting."

BOSTON - "He was pretty passive."

AT FORT SPARROWSHAFT

CAPTAIN - "I'm sorry, but we can't let you in. You might be Ilithilids."

BOSTON - "What? We don't look anything like those squid-faced monsters!"

CAPTAIN - "What about him?"

BOSTON - "Those aren't tentacles, they're just Joseph's intestines."

PETEY - "Suzanne's, actually."

CAPTAIN - "Good lord, is that Dervish Petey? Right, you're definitely not coming in!"

BOSTON - "Dammit! We'll have to smash our way in!"

PETEY - "Hot flaming Goatse!

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "Uh, sir? That wouldn't be very smart. We came he to be safe, remember?"

BOSTON - "Don't argue with me! We're going to attack this fort!"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "Sir, our loyalty to you comes second to our loyalty to the Empire. We will not slaughter our countrymen, no matter what."

BOSTON - "Fine, we'll wait and see what happens."

*An hour passes*

PETEY - "I'm hungry."

BOSTON - "Eat Harold."

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "Okay, you've talked me into it, sir."

BOSTON - "Excellent! Petey, you can eat Robert instead."

*You attack the Fort*

SOLARION - "You murderers! You've ruined our defenses and made widows out of the wives of good, brave soldiers! God knows how many lives will be wasted because of your callous and, if I may say so, incredibly stupid actions! Surrender or die! What is your choice?"

PETEY - "Hot flaming Goatse!"

*Solarion dies*

BOSTON - "Uh, you can stop doing that now, Petey."

PETEY - "(sigh)"

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "How bizarre. Our fight against the Ilililithilids has brought us to slay a key figure in the war against the Ill - oh, stuff it, the squiddies. It makes you wonder if we're being controlled by some higher power with an incredibly warped mind."

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/SATHOJ/BILLECK/OTHER MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/KATOTHEN - "You don't know the half of it."

BILLECK - "Surrender or die!"

PETEY - "Hot flam..."

BOSTON - "For no real reason, I think we'll surrender this time."

IN THE EXECUTION YARD

LIEUTENANT HAROLD - "You know, thinking back, I think we must have been protected by a higher power. Just think of how many times we could have been killed."

BOSTON - "Yeah. WAY TOO MANY."

*A portal appears. No one notices*

GUARD - "Quick! The prisoners are escaping!"

BOSTON - "Huh? Oh, portal. Time to go, guys."

NOT IN THE EXECUTION YARD

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/SATHOJ/BILLECK/OTHER MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/KATOTHEN - "I need you to do something for me! It's urgent!"

BOSTON - "Slaughter everything without mercy, by any chance?"

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/SATHOJ/BILLECK/OTHER MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/KATOTHEN - "No, I need you to tell the Sylvians to talk with their leader."

BOSTON - "Oh, how refreshing. How do I go about that, exactly?"

MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/SATHOJ/BILLECK/OTHER MYSTERIOUS FIGURE/KATOTHEN - "Slaughter everything without mercy, of course."

AT FORT TETRASPIRE

*You slaughter the Sylvian leaders*

BOSTON - "Hmm? Was there a change of plans somewhere? I thought they were supposed to be talked to?"

DISCO JOE - "Dude, everything here makes sense if you take the right chemicals."

THE SCENARIO STOPS