SPARES: A Parody of Spears (Apologies in advance to Stareye. Don't even think about reading this unless you have played Spears. Not only will it not be funny, but the scenario will probably be spoiled for you.

Also, apologies to TM, Alcritas, Shane Black, Alfred Hitchcock, J.R.R. Tolkein and Stanley Kubrick.)

AT FORT SILVER

BLADESMAN CENTRON - "There is strife in these caverns. Two factions of ancient enemity are locked in eternal struggle. This prevents us from exapanding in the area, as we are required to by Pointless Empire Verdict 125734... (you doze off for a while) ...we need the sliths and Undine to make peace. Go talk to them."

YOUR PARTY - "It's amazing how you can get through a speech like that before I finish opening the door."

CENTRON - "Shut up and go."

YOUR PARTY - "Mind if I do a few unrelated side quests on the way? Like this incredibly convenient goblin dungeon nearby?"

CENTRON - "Oh, all right."

AT THE GOBLIN PIT

*Your party massacres dozens of goblins*

HORRIBLY MUTILATED GOBLIN 1 - "I told you we should have moved to Reconah Valley. Goblins can get some sort of respect there."

HORRIBLY MUTILATED GOBLIN 2 - "Hey, at least we don't get scalped here."

*Both expire*

AT THE SLITH PLACE

YOUR PARTY - "Hi, Chief Althoss. Nice cape. You really ought to try pants, though."

ALTHOSS - "Look who's talking."

YOUR PARTY - "Good point. Though while we're on the subject, I killed a vampire a while back, and when I searched his body I found a dress. Am I the only one who finds the idea of a cross-dressing vampire majorly disturbing?"

ALTHOSS - "Look, let's get to the point. We Sliths are NICE and PEACELOVING and probably vegetarians to boot. We have been wronged by the CRUEL and BARBARIC Undine. We are the GOOD guys! We worship gods of peace and love, for crying out loud! And look, we're all really well educated - despite never having made contact with your race before now, we can all speak your language, and without any sort of accent."

YOUR PARTY - "Not bad. Can I have a boat so I can go hear the Undine's point of view?"

ALTHOSS - "You want me to help you consort with our sworn enemies? Sure, why not?"

*You leave*

*NATH comes to speak with ALTHOSS*

NATH - "Are you sure you should trust them, my old friend?"

ALTHOSS - "I know what I'm doing, my old friend. And keep your voice down, they might overhear you."

NATH - "Oh, come on, my old friend. They just left the city. How could they POSSIBLY hear us?"

AT THE UNDINE PLACE

YOUR PARTY - "Yikes! You all look like overgrown Smurfs!"

ENULENE - "And like the Smurfs, we believe in peace, and understanding, and friendship, and slavery, and intolerance, and genocide."

YOUR PARTY - "Er, I don't think the Smurfs are that hot on intolerance."

ENULENE - "Aren't they? Drat. I'll have to add them to my 'To be exterminated' list."

BACK AT FORT SILVER

CENTRON - "After hearing your report on the two cultures, I have decided on the best way to achieve peace."

YOUR PARTY - "How?"

CENTRON - "We help one side kick the other's arse."

YOUR PARTY - "Brilliant! Man, all those problems in Northern Ireland and the Middle East could have been solved ages ago if there were more men like you!"

CENTRON - "I order you to help the Undine."

YOUR PARTY - "Hmm. Nah."

*You go and bust out the Slith prisoners*

CENTRON - "How dare you disobey my orders! Your actions could have put our entire nation in a state of war! You have shattered all chance of the alliance we were hoping to form with the Undine! You have broken our stance of non-agression! This is a serious offense, which deserves the death penalty!"

YOUR PARTY - "But..."

CENTRON - "But nothing! There is no excuse for your actions! I'm going to have you court-martialed!"

YOUR PARTY - "But I had an ethical crisis!"

CENTRON - "Oh. Well, that's okay then."

AT THE UNDINE PLACE

YOUR PARTY - "Let us in. We have a gift for your Queen and want to negotiate peace."

UNDINE GUARD - "Do you really expect us to let you in after you freed our slaves and killed our kin?"

YOUR PARTY - "Well, everybody else seems comfortable doing unmotivated things, so I thought it was worth a try."

UNDINE GUARD - "How do we know this isn't a trick to assassinate our Queen? C'mon, we've all played Falling Stars!"

YOUR PARTY - "Ever thought of going into the demolition business?"

UNDINE GUARD - "No, why?"

YOUR PARTY - "Because you just shattered the fourth wall."

BACK AT FORT SILVER

OTHOGON - "I don't like Sliths. Our leader is an idiot. Matter of fact, I don't like anyone much. Here's a portal to the Undine Queen's throne room. Try to cause an international incident. And stop looking at me like that!"

YOUR PARTY - "I'm sorry, it's just that you look an awful lot like a guy called Soeme, and I had a conversation recently that sort of got me thinking..."

OTHOGON - "Stop wasting my time."

YOUR PARTY - "Sorry, sorry. It was just a pleasing image, that's all."

*You step through the teleporter*

AT THE UNDINE PLACE

QUEEN ISAZEL - "Intruders! Seize them!"

YOUR PARTY - "Sure thing. Where?"

*Her guards move towards you*

YOUR PARTY - "Oh, me. Don't worry, I'm just the postman. I bring a message from Althoss."

ISAZEL - "Oh! Give it to me, then."

YOUR PARTY - "So, I take it that YOU haven't played Falling Stars."

ISAZEL - "If Althoss wants peace, he must meet me here. I don't trust him."

AT THE SLITH PLACE

ALTHOSS - "I don't trust Isazel. We must meet on neutral ground."

BACK AT FORT SILVER

YOUR PARTY - "Boss, can the Sliths and Undine have their peace talks here? You better say yes, because I am getting sick of running around organising venues! I want something to kill! So don't annoy me."

CENTRON - "Er... yes."

YOUR PARTY - "Good."

THE TALKS

ALTHOSS - "So, explain to me Isazel. I understand that you might not trust me, but why do you trust the humans when it was them who freed your slaves and butchered your guards?"

ISAZEL - "They did? Oh, yeah. Sorry, short-term memory."

ALTHOSS - "Now, either you surrender or we kick your wet arses."

ISAZEL - "Okay, we surrender."

*UNDINE MAGE APPEARS*

UNDINE MAGE - "Queen Isazel! The Sliths are kicking our wet arses!"

ISAZEL - "What? It looks like Althoss here wants to have his cake and eat it!"

*The Undine leave*

ALTHOSS - "But I didn't order the attack! Who could it POSSIBLY be?"

AT THE SLITH PLACE ALTHOSS - "It was Nath!"

YOUR PARTY - "I am overcome with shock."

ALTHOSS - "Why would they follow Nath instead of me?"

YOUR PARTY - "Maybe because he's a strong, driven character and you're as weak as water?"

ALTHOSS - "I didn't ask for your opinion!"

YOUR PARTY - "Yes you did."

ALTHOSS - "Shut up! Now, the Undine are holding a powerful Slith sorceress called Zaevess captive. She is tormented in her prison and is a very powerful force. We must stop Nath from freeing her."

YOUR PARTY - "Let me get this straight. You are going to risk the lives of your people to fight and kill your countrymen, your brothers and sisters, to keep one of your own in cruel confinement, to protect the race who took your workers as slaves and murdered the old and weak among them, because of a theoretical peace treaty that doesn't exist yet?"

ALTHOSS - "Of course. Duh!"

AT SEABLAZE TOWER

ZAEVESS - "Help me!"

YOUR PARTY - "Actually, I'm here to help keep you prisoner."

ZAEVESS - "Please, free me!"

YOUR PARTY - "Why not? There doesn't seem to be any penalty for disobeying orders."

*You try to free Zaevess and fail*

ZAEVESS - "Bugger. But thanks for trying. I now know where your sympathies truly lie."

YOUR PARTY - "See you later. I'm off to try and kill Nath so you can't escape."

THE BATTLE

*You try to kill Nath and fail*

YOUR PARTY - "This sucks."

NATH - "We have rescued Zaevess! I wanna celebrate!"

*In a heartbeat, Nath obliberates the entire tower, without hurting any of his own soldiers*

YOUR PARTY - "Remind me, how come you couldn't beat the Undine before? That spear could have been lifted out of a TerrorsMartyr scenario."

NATH - "No time to chat."

*Nath buggers off*

BACK AT FORT SILVER

OTHOGON - "Nath might be underneath the slith town of Bvass."

YOUR PARTY - "I always said that place was a hole."

UNDER BVASS

ZAEVESS - "It was inevitable that you would find this place."

YOUR PARTY - "I dunno. It seemed pretty coincedental to me."

ZAEVESS - "Nath doesn't trust you..."

YOUR PARTY - "Well, I DID try to kill him."

ZAEVESS - "...but I believe you are on our side."

YOUR PARTY - "Depends on the time of day, really."

AT THE SLITH PLACE

YOUR PARTY - "Althoss, can I have some Vulcan Amber?"

ALTHOSS - "What for?"

YOUR PARTY - "Aaah... personal use."

ALTHOSS - "Okay. I recommend using some sulphur with it."

YOUR PARTY - "Ta. By the way, Nath's hiding out at Draco River."

ALTHOSS - "So you're double-crossing me while you help me at the same time? Seems very schizophrenic. I like your style."

AT HARVEST MANOR

CERIUM - "I am a member of a group that is trying to manufacture as much violence, genocide and bloodshed as possible. You are interfering with that goal, so we have taken you here."

YOUR PARTY - "So why didn't you just kill me instead of capturing me with an incredibly complicated remote teleportation spell and keeping me as a sort of enforced guest, taking special care to lock off certain parts of the manor from me? Was it simply the easier option, or do you have moral reservations about killing people?"

CERIUM - "You see... I'm old and I can get so lonely... I need a man..."

YOUR PARTY - "STOP RIGHT THERE! I think I'll read a book."

NEXT DAY

CERIUM - "Just having dinner with you is beginning to affect me. My head is spinning, and my insides are wrestling with each other."

YOUR PARTY - "Ew."

CERIUM - "I'm seeing coloured lights, and I'm feeling so hot. SO hot. I think I need... to cool off."

*She smiles suggestively as she slides her hand up to the strap of her dress*

YOUR PARTY - "Die already! Just die, please!"

CERIUM - "What? You mean... you don't love me?"

*She dies*

BACK AT THE SLITH PLACE

YOUR PARTY - "What did I miss?"

ALTHOSS - "Nothing. Let's go and not quite kill Nath again."

*You find Nath and chase him for a bit*

NATH - "I'm getting too old for this shit."

*He blasts a gaping hole in the ground beneath you*

YOUR PARTY - "Oh well. Falling sucks, but at least he didn't think to blast a gaping hole in me with that - Ow, I hate landing!"

HOPELESSLY LOST

GNAST - "So, what's been happening out in the world?"

YOUR PARTY - "Oh, the Sliths are having a bit of a civil war."

GNAST - "What! Whatever for?"

YOUR PARTY - "Really, you don't want to get into the reasons. What's going on down here?"

GNAST - "We've got an insane mage running about."

*Gnast dies*

BASSIK - "I will rule the world! Mwahahaha!"

YOUR PARTY - "Really, you need to check out www.eviloverlord.com. You could use some of the advice."

BASSIK - "Shut up! Now, to decide whether you are worthy of being my subjects, I shall challenge you to a game of Trivial Pursuit! What is the first step in defeating an insane overlord?"

YOUR PARTY - "Find a back entrance."

BASSIK - "Correct! What is the next step?"

YOUR PARTY - "Distract him with a yummy female."

BASSIK - "Correct! Oh, this is nice. What is the final step?"

YOUR PARTY - "Turn his minions against him."

BASSIK - "Correct!"

*Bassik dies*

BACK AT THE SLITH PLACE

ALTHOSS - "It turns out that hideout of Nath's was just a clever diversion."

YOUR PARTY - "You mean the one that we only found because of a hint in a message I found because I searched a slith corpse in an infested garbage pit, behind a closed portcullis, down a hidden stairway guarded by a corrupt priest, where we only knew to look because Othogon just happened to be scrying the area at the right time? That hideout?"

ALTHOSS - "Yes. He left that message there to distract us from the massive army of undead that just wiped out one of our cities."

YOUR PARTY - "Wow, that is clever. Now what?"

ALTHOSS - We need to get some information out of a prisoner."

YOUR PARTY - "Alright! Hand me the thumbscrews, Daddy!"

ALTHOSS - "...through non-violent means."

YOUR PARTY - "Drat. Well, there is this brew I know how to make..."

*You give the prisoner a drink*

PRISONER - "Ugh! That's horrible! I'll tell you anything you want, just don't make me drink that stuff again!"

THE OBELISK

ZAEVESS - "This is the Doomsday Device that will kill all the Undine. With it I shall be able to eradicate that horrible, genocidal race forever. Unfortunately, I don't have enough McGuffins."

YOUR PARTY - "McWhat?"

ZAEVESS - "Er, Vulcan Amber. You can get some from Eskalis, but you'll need your own mages to teleport you there. I can't do it."

YOUR PARTY - "Why not? You made this incredible Doomsday Device, surely it can't be harder than that."

ZAEVESS - "Oh, Doomsday Devices are a dime a dozen. Any whacko can make one."

ESKALIS

MINE ADMINISTRATOR - "For 500 gold I can let you explore our mine and kill as many of our workers as you like. Just be careful they don't hurt you. Have a nice day."

YOUR PARTY - "Oh, I will."

*incredible slaughterfest follows*

YOUR PARTY - "Hey, a bunch of Khazis! Whee!"

KHAZI - "Let's do something to that guy. I forget what. It started with a 'K', I think."

YOUR PARTY - "Let me help."

HORRIBLY MUTILATED KHAZI - "I remember now. Let's ki..."

*He expires*

AT THE MINE GATES

TROG - "This is a fancy dress party. No one gets through unless they're wearing something really goofy."

YOUR PARTY - "Hey, I've got some Khazi robes here. Which I didn't get from murdering your respected elders, honest."

TROG - "You look nearly dumb enough now. Add a fake moustache and you're in."

AT FORT MAHLAN

TROGS - "Hey, you're not Khazis! Die!"

YOUR PARTY - "Drat. How'd you see through my clever disguise?"

TROGS - "The moustache gave it away."

*Hack, slash*

YOUR PARTY - "Yikes, the Troglodytes cross-dress as well. Ooh, some nitro-glycerine! I think I'll put it in the ore processor."

*Earthshattering explosion*

YOUR PARTY - "Fun! Fun! Gotta have fun! I think I'll drink the next bottle. Ooh, look, a McGuffin!"

*Earthshattering explosion*

YOUR PARTY - "Fun! Fun! Gotta have..."

NIGHTTERROR - "I have been cooped up in that place for way too many centuries. Allow me to demonstrate to you how incredibly pissed off I am."

YOUR PARTY - "...fun..."

AT THE OTHER MINES

MINE ADMINSTRATOR 2 - "There are a mass of giants beyond those gates, led by a fearsome Ettin. Going in is suicide. Please, please enter."

YOUR PARTY - "Sure."

MINE ADMINSTRATOR 2 - "Hahahaha..."

YOUR PARTY - "Where should I put these two heads?"

MINE ADMINSTRATOR 2 - "Damn."

BACK AT THE OBELISK

ZAEVESS - "Thanks to your loyalty, I can now wipe the Undine from the face of the Earth!"

YOUR PARTY - "No worries. By the way, I mirrored one of those Vulcan Ambers, so you're going to die."

ZAEVESS - "What? But why?"

YOUR PARTY - "I'm not sure, really. I think I was just getting too predictable."

ZAEVESS - "But if you wanted me dead you could have killed me back at Seablaze tower."

YOUR PARTY - "Damn, you're right! I could have saved myself so much trouble."

ZAEVESS - "Me too. Spontaneous Violent Expansion is such a painful way to d..."

BACK AT THE SLITH PLACE

ALTHOSS - "We're going to sneak you into Nath's hideout. Find him and assassinate him. Use stealth."

YOUR PARTY - "When you say 'use stealth', you actually mean 'Bash in and destroy everything with or without a pulse,' right?"

ALTHOSS - "Of course. Why, what else could it mean?"

NATH'S WAR ROOM

YOUR PARTY - "It ends here, Nath!"

NATH - "You can't fight here! This is the War room!"

*Nath runs. You chase him a bit*

YOUR PARTY - "It ends here, Nath!"

NATH - "You're right. Say hi to your maker for me."

*Nath raises Obsidian*

YOUR PARTY - "Well?"

NATH - "Damn! I'm out of batteries!"

*Nath runs. You chase him a bit*

YOUR PARTY - "It ends here, Nath!"

NATH - "Sure, come across this bridge and get me."

YOUR PARTY - "I hate bridges that can't support my weight. How did you get across?"

NATH - "Oh, I have an excellent weight-loss program. Plenty of running."

*Nath runs. You chase him a bit*

YOUR PARTY - "It ends here, Nath!"

NATH - "It would, but I'm on the other side of this incredibly hot room!"

YOUR PARTY - "What? But the heating controls are over here! How'd you get to that side?"

NATH - "My weight-loss program also includes extensive sauna use."

*Nath runs. You chase him a bit*

YOUR PARTY - "It ends here, Nath!"

NATH - "How about over there instead? It's got a nice view."

YOUR PARTY - "Oh, alright. It ends over there, Nath!"

OVER THERE

NATH - "Before we fight, mind if I make a contemplative and nostalgic speech?"

YOUR PARTY - "Yeah, whatever. By the way, I've got a great idea for you weight-loss program."

NATH - "What is it?"

YOUR PARTY - "I'm going to rip your heart out."

*you fight for a bit*

NATH - "Now, allow me to make a long speech about how cool I am and how you are no match for me."

YOUR PARTY - "And that would be why you always run away and hide in secret passages."

*Nath drops Obsidian off the cliff-edge*

NATH - "No! My precious!"

*Nath plummets to his death*

HORRIBLY MUTILATED NATH - "I hate landing."

*he expires*

YOUR PARTY - "Ha! Take that, you warmonger! Up with pacifism and death to all who oppose it!"

Congratulations! Through the mindless slaughter of thousands, you have finally brought peace to Avernum! THE END