SQUINTESSENCE: A parody by The Creator. Many apologies to Brett Bixler, whose scenario I ruthlessly poke fun at here. Also, apologies to Puddle of Mudd, Billy Joel, Monty Python, Alcritas, Shyguy and Jim Uhls.

IN THE REAL WORLD

*You kill... er... yourself.*

IN THE GEM

BRETT - "You are just a summoned clone of yourself! You are forced to ponder... do you have a soul?"

JONAH - "Dear God, I hope not. I just commited... er... suicide? Clonicide? Self-homicide? Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll burn in hell for it."

AT FADE

FADE 1 - "A new one! So full of life!"

FADE 2 - "But not for long. Soon he shall fade. Fade, like all of us here."

JONAH - "Geez, did I wander into an old folks home?"

DELANATHOR - "I will give you access to the Scrolls of Kolas if you solve the mystery of the recent gemquakes."

JONAH - "Why can't you figure it out yourself?"

DELANATHOR - "One of the first things to go is our ability to think rationally. After a while we are unable to do anything but argue about wargles."

JONAH - "Yikes! I've got to get out of here!"

AT UNICORN GROTTO

GRUNGE - "I help you if you answer my questions right!"

JONAH - "Why?"

GRUNGE - "I been here long time! Used to do metaphysics, now mind completely shot!"

JONAH - "And why do you live through a secret passage in a place infested by aggressive unicorns?"

GRUNGE - "Can't remember. Mind shot."

JONAH - "Okay, what are the questions?"

GRUNGE - "Questions?"

JONAH - "Yeah, you said you'd help me if I answered the questions!"

GRUNGE - "Me did? Me must be nuts. Oh, wait, I remember! What the meaning of life?"

JONAH - "It's a Monty Python movie."

GRUNGE - "CORRECT! You one of us! I come!"

JONAH - "I think my mind is shot, too. Why do I WANT a smelly goblin following me?"

GRUNGE - "Me big ogre mage!"

JONAH - "You aren't fooling anybody."

GRUNGE - "Aaah! Body disappearing too!"

ON THE TABLE

*You fight your 5th Major Harmonic*

JONAH - "I just killed a part of myself! I feel so much more whole."

GRUNGE - "That very Fight Club."

IN A NON-DESCRIPT CAVE

GRUNGE - "Hoot in here!"

JONAH - "I'd rather not."

GRUNGE - "You not understand! Me mean Hoot big purple three eyed thingy!"

JONAH - "Thanks for clearing things up."

IN ANOTHER NON-DESCRIPT CAVE

JONAH - "Grunge, would you like to block these beams of light with your hands?"

GRUNGE - "Your mind shot too, boss?"

JONAH - "Just do it, or I will get very Fight Club on you."

GRUNGE - "Wait! Me remember now!"

JONAH - "Remember what?"

GRUNGE - "Remember why me live around unicorns!"

JONAH - "Okay, why?"

GRUNGE - "Because... damn... me forget."

IN THE REAL WORLD

CHULDIS - "Kill Anathlon!"

JONAH - "Anathlon?"

CHULDIS - "It's an homage, okay? Just kill him!"

JONAH - "I think I'll leave that to Sovereign."

IN THE GEM

GRUNGE - "Boss, you back! Quick, scratch me nose!"

*Roof falls and crushes Grunge*

JONAH - "Grunge!"

GRUNGE - "Boss... before me die... Me need tell you..."

JONAH - "Yes?"

GRUNGE - "It because their turds taste good."

*Grunge dies*

IN THE REAL WORLD

ANTHALON - "Go into this cave kill all the kobolds."

JONAH - "Mind if I ask why?"

ANTHALON - "What? You can think? Amazing! This changes everything! Now, go into this cave kill all the kobolds."

IN THE GEM

HOOT - "It would seem that tangential side quest coincedentally opened up a crack that will let you into the next part of the Gem!"

JONAH - "Wow. Good thing I coincedentally picked up a coil of rope on my last visit to the real world."

HOOT - "Could it be that there is some greater guiding purpose?"

JONAH - "Nah. Just lucky."

IN THE REAL WORLD

ANTHALON - "It appears that time goes by much faster outside the Gem than inside. It's been two years since I last saw you."

JONAH - "And what have you done in that time?"

ANTHALON - "Well, I've had a daughter."

JONAH - "With the Soul Crystal, I mean. The thing I'm trapped in."

ANTHALON - "Er, I've given it to my daughter as a toy."

JONAH - "What!"

ANTHALON - "She enjoys watching you in it. The slow motion thing fascinates her. Amber, say hi to the spontaneously appearing man."

AMBER - "Jo - nah."

ANTHALON - "She knows your name! Amazing!"

JONAH - "I'll say. I'd have expected her to call me JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJoooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn - aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

BACK IN THE GEM

BULLY JOEL - "I was cursed by a thief who took something precious from me. I cannot retrieve it myself and I can only give hints to other people through song."

JONAH - "Uh..."

BULLY JOEL - "I know what you're thinking, but just hear me out! (sings) You may be right, I may be crazy, But I just may be the lunatic you're looking for..."

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

AMBER - "Hi, Jonah! I'm now ten years old, this is my school, and that's my Vahnatai classmate I want you to kill."

JONAH - "Huh?"

AMBER - "Stuff it, I'll do it myself."

*The girls fight. There is a lot of blood. Then they kiss and make up and the blood disappears*

AMBER - "So, how's it going with you?"

JONAH - "I suppose that you could say that it's alright, aside from the fact that LIFE IS PASSING ME BY!"

AMBER - "I like to watch you in the crystal, though there was a week when Daddy wouldn't let me because you were going to the loo."

IN THE REAL WORLD AGAIN

JONAH - "Amber! I turn my back for five minutes - and I MEAN five minutes - and you get into trouble! And age about seven years, I notice."

AMBER - "My knight in shining armour."

JONAH - "Technically, I'm your Apprentice Mage in a shining crystal. Oh dear, I'm disappearing again. See you in a decade or so."

IN THE GEM

GRIND - "Greetings my dear chap. My name is Grind. Please disregard my fearsome appearance and judge me according to my character."

JONAH - "No problem. Compared to Hoot, you look quite attractive."

GRIND - "Thank you. Now, we need to get the Elders of the two towns here to swap bodies."

JONAH - "Huh?"

GRIND - "You see, neither likes the way the other dances. If we get them to swap bodies they may yet dance together in harmony."

JONAH - "No, really. Huh?"

GRIND - "It's frightfully simple, really. It's all about the doors."

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

AMBER - "Hi again. I need you to check out this house."

JONAH - "Why?"

AMBER - "Because I'm thinking of marrying it's owner."

JONAH - "What? No! I love you, Amber!"

AMBER - "But we've only been together for a total of maybe 15 minutes, and ninety percent of that was when I was a child."

JONAH - "Amber, you have to remember I'm a wizard's apprentice. I haven't even seen a woman for five years!"

AMBER - "But with the time difference thing I'll be old enough to be a granny after a week of your time!"

JONAH - "Female, with pulse. I don't ask for much."

AMBER - "Oh, there's no use fighting it. I love you too!"

JONAH - "You do? Why?"

AMBER - "It's the way the wind blows your hair across your face in slow motion. It makes me go all gooey."

JONAH - "Hooray!"

AMBER - "But I'm still going to marry Malachite."

JONAH - "Crap."

AMBER - "I'm sorry, but you're never here."

JONAH - "What do you want me to do, check in on you every three seconds?"

BACK IN THE GEM

*You descend into insanity. As images flash through your mind, you seem to hear a song by Puddle of Mudd playing*

MUSIC - "She was Queen for about an hour,
After that shit got sour,
She took all I ever had,
No sign of guilt, no feeling bad,

SHE F**K'N HATES ME!
La la la
YEAH, SHE F**K'N HATES ME!"

*You snap out of it after a week or so.*

BACK IN THE REAL WORLD

AMBER - "Jonah! I need you to rescue my son!"

JONAH - "Why can't your husband do it?"

AMBER - "Well, he's dead."

JONAH - "Oh, good! Er, God, I mean. Oh God, I'm sorry."

*Later*

AMBER - "Thank you so much, Jonah! I'm sure there's some way I can reward you."

*She moves towards you*

JONAH - "Uh, as much I want to get all romantic with you, is it really right to do it in sight of your son and your husband's still-warm body?"

AMBER - "Good point. Beryl, go bury Dad."

BACK IN THE GEM

JONAH - "Finally, I've reached the Culst! Culet, I mean. How refreshing, a scenario without a cliched end boss fight."

BRETT - "What was I thinking? Here, I'll call this guy the, uh, the Crystal King."

JONAH - "Huh? Where'd that guy come from?"

VON TRAPPEN - "Hi, I've been waiting for you."

JONAH - "Who are you?"

VON TRAPPEN - "I'm a plot device, placed here by Brett to explain the multitude of things that didn't make sense at the time, such as that final fight and the various puzzle places scattered around the place."

JONAH - "Wow. I really could have used you earlier. Why'd you wait until now to come in?"

VON TRAPPEN - "Because if you were given the reasons beforehand you would realise just how thin they are."

JONAH - "Fair enough. Let's get out of here before the scenario gets any dumber, eh?"

AT THE CULET

VON TRAPPEN - "Okay, we're here. Now what?"

*Amber and Beryl appear*

AMBER - "Jonah, I realised that there was no way to get you out of the gem, so I came in!"

JONAH - "While it was very noble of you to sacrifice your way of life for me, why force your son to do the same?"

AMBER - "Oh, you're his hero. You should have seen him while he was watching you kick that Crystal King's butt in slow motion."

JONAH - "And how did you arrive straight here when I started on the Table?"

AMBER - "It's amazing how quickly you can cover the distance when you don't waste time on all those tangential side quests and aren't interrupted by being summoned every five minutes."

JONAH - "And how come you're still an attractive age?"

AMBER - "Remember how Malachite could change his appearance with a spell?"

JONAH - "Oh. Well, keep it on, please. But I have to know, how did you get inside the gem when I'm only an imitation of my real self?"

AMBER - "Jonah, you talk too much."

JONAH - "Meow."

VON TRAPPEN - "Ahem."

JONAH - "Oh yeah. Do you have a way out?"

AMBER - "Sure. You see, this place is a metaphor for viewing an insubstantial alien reality."

JONAH - "Huh?"

GRIND - "Huh?"

VON TRAPPEN - "Huh?"

HOOT - "Make sense to me."

AMBER - "We just believe our way out."

JONAH - "Of course! It's so obvious! Why didn't I think of that?"

VON TRAPPEN - "Jonah, remember what you said to me earlier?"

JONAH - "Yeah?"

VON TRAPPEN - "I think we're too late."

THE END